Dead body coughs at mortuary entrance as attendant flees

by Irvine Syazyombo

Whatever happens under the sun does so because the God in heaven has allowed it to occur. Nothing happens without will of the Almighty.

Even deaths that happen daily, it is because God in heaven allows those souls to rest. It is because God has allowed the fulfilment of his word to Adam and Eve that people are mortal.

However, if  Gods says no to the loss of life, the individual continues to live .Evil forces may crave to curtail a life but  instead, more years result if God Himself wills. If His will is longer life for the individual, the person will not be killed by any danger that faces him. It does not matter how helpless a person’s fate seems.

This is what happened to a young man ,Ashers Masempela of Lusaka in Zambia.In October 2006,he had just had his lunch  in  Syacitema Chiefdom of Kalomo District of Southern Zambia when a man visited.

Masempela told a Seventh Day Adventist  Church (SDA) camped congregation in Masaiti district of Copperbelt province recently that the person had bad news to break to the family.

“He told us that a boy named Smart whom I had chatted with that morning  passed away later,” 

Masempela narrated to the emotional attentive hundreds of faces in a makeshift shelter.

He said the informant also told the family that  SDA church elders had requested Masempela and his fellow twelve-man  church singing group  members to perform at the house of moaning that evening.

Masempela said he and his fellow church singers soon started off  towards late Smart’s home in the same chiefdom.

He said  the group of youths found a man who could not walk due to disability lying on the ground at a road junction.

Masempela said the disabled man called him and asked a lot of questions after the young man   had stopped with one of his fellow singers as the rest proceeded. Masempela said the disabled man  advised him to avoid spending most of his time  singing as that could lead to his death.

Masempela said he just smiled at the man before the two  walked on. He said about 60 meters away, he looked over his shoulders.He said  and his eyes and those of the disabled man met and that the cripple repeated his advice to which Masempela just responded with a smile.

He said  they soon met two elderly men one of whom wondered if Masemplela was human or a ghost,   believing  that the schoolboy   had died two years earlier.

Masempela  explained that the elderly man repeatedly touched on  the body and arms to prove that he was a human and not a ghost.

“Then the man also said I would die if I spent most of my time singing,” Masempela added to the quiet audience.

Masempela said he and his friend  looked at each other with surprise  because of the words that had been echoed by the doubtful man. Masempela  said when he looked over his shoulder  shortly after resuming the walk , his eyes met those of the elderly man who stressed his advice to Masempela to reduce  music engagements.

Masempela further said he replied that the man himself  would instead die as result of walking long distances .

He said about sixty meters on the youths met three young women one of whom also marveled at seeing Masempela, saying she believed he had died years back.

Masempela said from the repeated disturbing comment,his friend also became doubtful of whether 

Masempela was human or a ghost and almost returned. Masempela further said he persuaded the fellow singer to resume the walk.

Masempela  recalled that soon after  turning  and parting  with the young  ladies between 14 and 15 hours ,he lost consciousness until  ‘waking up’ to the squeaking bumps of being wheeled away.

“It felt like waking up. I wondered where I was being wheeled to because I thought I had fallen asleep at the house of moaning.I tried to move but my arms were bound. I wondered who among my friends had jokingly been wheeling me at the house of moaning. The individual kept on pushing until 

I asked  where he was taking me,” Masempela narrated emotionally.

The young man said suddenly the person screamed and  stopped moving him before a crowd gathered shouting that he had come back to life. He said his father,mother, siblings and two friends were deeply tearful.

“My father asked me if I could recognize him.I wondered why  because I had lived with him for years as his son,” Masempela said softly ;eyes half closed and visibly struggling to tame his emotions as the  congregation tearfully paid attention.

Masempela further said two doctors and a nurse soon took him to some room  where  to his amasement they undressed ,bathed and dressed him in new clothes.

He said the medical staff soon took him to his parents where they explained that he had been struck by lightning and was brought to Choma General Hospital around seventeen hours the previous day.

Masempela added that the professionals said they had struggled  to immediately resuscitate him ,saying  retrying   around 23 hours also failed before  certifying  him dead.

The young man said the doctors explained that the mortuary  had then closed, so Masempela and eight  dead bodies were kept in  some room till morning.

Masempela  further said the medical experts narrated that in the morning a worker wheeled him on a trolley until near the mortuary when he coughed, saying he was very lucky.

Meanwhile Masempela narrated that according to eyewitnesses, when  lightning suddenly struck  , he was also violently lifted and dumped  in the way of an oncoming vehicle which miraculously swerved before dropping some passengers and rushing him to hospital.

He said medical staff apologized to his parents who replied that it was not doctors who gave life but God. Masempela further said from that incident he dedicated his life to sing for God as that was his talent .

Then he sang two deeply emotional songs about his mysterious experience .The music further stirred up emotions of the tearful congregation.

The man has composed many songs which have made so many people across Zambia repent of their sins and embrace God.

Indeed God is merciful. God is love. He demonstrated that by sustaining Masempela’s life which could have instantly been lost in one lightning strike. God can also work such a miracle in your life if you believe in him. He demonstrated through Masempela’s life that he is Almighty God.

Classroom copying, certificate forgery, shatter man’s presidential ambition
by Irvine Syazyombo

When Stevo was in Grade one at Kanyanna primary School five streams away from his village, he hated his uphill struggle of shaping letters and numbers.

When asked to write ‘9’, he would scribble a ‘p’.When asked by his teacher to write the letter ‘s’, he would write ‘2’.When asked to write ‘b’, he would write‘d’. As ‘7’, he would scribble ‘f’.

When his class was given an English test in Grade two, Stevo ended up copying his classmate’s name, Thomas, in his quest to copy answers.

In those days teachers would beat children like beasts pulling a plough in a field. Therefore for copying a name instead of writing a reasonable answer, Stevo made his teacher flare with madness.

Mr. Maambo violently lifted the ten year old boy shoulder high before hurling him onto the classroom table. The boy noisily collided with the hardwood piece of furniture.

The teacher, like someone killing a snake, violently caned Stevo across his buttocks.

After the flogging, the boy could not sit down for a week. From that time on, he made sure that he wore more than two pairs of shorts in class to mitigate caning.

When Stevo sat for Grade Seven examinations, an invigilator went round marking answers in all the candidates’ question papers thereby giving Stevo a chance to qualify to secondary school.

However when he reached Grade Nine at a secondary school, he failed completely so his parents sent him to a basic school.

After sitting for Grade Nine examinations again, Stevo managed a few bare passes but completely failed in mathematics, English, and science. Some of his school mates even went round humorously spreading rumors that he had had zeroes in those subjects.

His parents pleaded for a grade ten school place where he completed with a grade 8 in vernacular and 9f in the seven other subjects..

Wielding an emphatic line of 9f spanners on his statement of results, Stevo could not get a college place so his parents desperately bribed a tribesman college principal to enroll the young man in an accounts class.

During the three years at college, Stevo ensured that whenever he was given an assignment, someone else had to do it for him.

In some cases, he had to copy verbatim other students’ essays to avoid dropping out of college.

Unsurprisingly, Stevo failed three courses in his final year so he had to do something to avoid embarrassing his girlfriend and disappointing his parents, farmers, who had wasted their toiled for money.

Stevo made some unscrupulous individual in a shanty compound of the city forge an accounts diploma before he got employed by Lina bank. His ambition was to rise into politics and ultimately aspire for presidency.

But because of the peculiar professional errors he committed, which were highly unexpected of a ‘qualified accountant’ like Stevo, the branch manager visited the fraudster’s former college.

In the course, the scandal leaked to the press. A day later police picked up Stevo from his office ahead of detaining him.

Police charged him with forgery. The protracted legal battle ended when Stevo was sentenced to three years imprisonment with hard labour. The criminal record meant a death sentence to Stevo’s presidential ambition.

Guided by Stevo, police also arrested the individual who had been thriving on forging certificates for academic under-performers.

Africa poorer despite $2000 billion aid

by Irvine Syazyombo
People all over the globe strive every day in search of money. The world knows that money is the answer to most problems.

With money people can secure shelter, put food on the table and buy clothes. However in Africa the formula of making money has been elusive.

The continent is sinking into more and more poverty despite waterfalls of aid and loans from the first world.

According to the current Foundations For Farming (FFF) newsletter, in the past fifty years, Africa has received over $2000 billion aid yet the number of poor people is growing.

FFF which was founded in Zimbabwe a few years ago said in a newsletter that while world grain production has been increasing, Africa’s production has been stagnant.

The newsletter shows in a table that in 1961, the USA produced 4.5 tons per hectare before recording 10 tons per hectare in 2005.

The NGO which has tentacles in several Southern African countries also said Asia in the same period increased production from 2 to 4.5 tons per hectare.

The newsletter observed that in the same period, Africa was generally stagnant at 1 ton per hectare while Zimbabwe allegedly plunged from 1.5 to 0.5 per hectare.

The newsletter attributed Africa’s stagnation to the use of what it described as traditional farming methods which extract from the soil without protecting the natural resource.

“With the use of traditional methods Africa has seen a decrease in yields and an escalation of costs over many years…ploughed land is washed away and only a small amount of the available moisture is retained,” says the publication.

The newsletter said FFF had come up with principles to conserve the and ensure high yield.

The publication said according to the principles, there is no ploughing and that only holes are dug with a hoe.

The newsletter said on clearing land, trees are cut off at the roots , there is no burning and that purposeful mulching reduces soil erosion and retains ground moisture for plants.

“This greatly reduces soil erosion and captures and transfers the precious water effectively to the plants, reducing the risk from drought, pests and disease,” the publication further said.

“We have testimonies of farmers who, by adopting Foundations for Farming methods, have increased their yield over tenfold i.e. 0.3 tons to over 3 tons,” the newsletter further said.

The newsletter also advised farmers to plan, prepare well, be honest, honorable and start farming early in the rainy season.

The newsletter also advised farmers to utilize opportunities, be faithful and to conserve soil, sunlight, seed, nutrients, labor, and energy.

The advice from the FFF needs to be taken seriously if Africa is to pull itself out of poverty .With business as usual mentality, the continent will continue to sink into abject poverty despite cascades of international aid.

Prophets spare Mandela your demon inspired doom prophesy

by Irvine Syazyombo
As Mandela is ailing in hospital, all well meaning people all over the globe wish him a quick recovery because of what he did for the freedom of fellow humans.

Even Obama has visited South Africa to wish the African icon recovery. He even visited Robin Island to show solidarity with the people of South Africa.

This is the time people who worship God are supposed to dedicate more time to pray so that the Almighty God can intervene.

However, because of the desperate situation prophets could easily take advantage of the situation to cast spells onto the beloved Mandela.

For your own information dear reader, today’s prophets, whom Jesus described as ravenous wolves in sheep’s skin(Mathew 7 verse 15), are good at foretelling disasters which are fulfilled by the influence of demonic powers.

It would make sense if those self styled witch finders claiming to be prophets could predict disasters and prevent them from happening. Better still, after predicting a high profile death, they could bring the individual back to life like what Jesus did to Lazarus, (John 11 verses 38 to 45).

As they claim to work miracles in the name of Jesus, let them prove they are not servants of Satan disguising themselves as servants of Christ(2nd Corinthians 11 verse 14),by raising at least one person from the dead like what Peter did.

They merely predict disasters, like accidents, or even football results, so that after they have pulled strings using demonic powers, naive people believe and become followers. It is glory to false prophets, not God.

Please President Zuma, South Africans and well meaning people all over the globe, let us continue praying for the great man so that the almighty God can intervene and sustain the life of our beloved role model.

Please let us condemn all suggestions of prospective so called prophesy on Mandela which is in fact which finding inspired by demons.

If they are genuine prophets of God, let them heal their respective countries of HIV/AIDS and other chronic illnesses .

Beloved children of God, all well meaning people have a task to diligently pray for the recovery of Madiba. And as we pray, remember that somewhere a false prophet may be on standby to take advantage of our misery to predict disaster and be glorified by the masses when demons deliver ‘prophetic’ fulfillment.

To cite a few incidents, I remember a prophet who implicitly predicted the demise of a Southern African president. He died without the so called prophet’s intervention. I had expected him to revive him like Peter since he had foreseen the death, but he did not even attend the funeral!

There was also prediction about a train crash in Europe. The named prophet did nothing about preventing the disaster he had predicted, let alone warning the people on the train! Why? He caused the disaster himself.

The prophet also frivolously predicted the result of an Africa Cup final. He cast spells and a very unlikely football team won to suit his ‘prophecy’. The whole world marveled at the unbelievable victory.

Please, remember that as we pray for the recovery of the icon, we should not allow these doomed self styled prophets to say this and that on Madiba. They only predict doom because they are prophets of doom.

Van Persie's goal shatters fan's marriage

By Irvine Syazyombo

First it was a daring run by Ryan Giggs on the left wing. He dribbled the ball before playing it through a defender’s legs.

Before Old Trafford blinked, Robin van Persie curled the ball high inside the post into the roof of the net. At that moment, a woman who had been watching television with her husband in the sitting room sprung to her feet to celebrate while thumping her chest on the part her Man united Jersey read ‘Manchester United’ to the annoyance of her husband who was dressed in a Man City shirt.

The sub Saharan man felt bereaved as it was clear the league leaders would score again because of the barrage of attacking moves, splitting passes, crosses and shots on the Villa goal.

Excitement soon flared up when Wayne Rooney collected a pass near the centre line and looped the ball before Van Persie volleyed home his second goal of the night.

The woman could not handle her excitement any more. She leapt to the TV set and kissed it while Man U players were jubilantly running before they alternately hugged and patted Persie’s back .

The man could not hold back his bitterness any more. He could not bear seeing his wife ‘kiss another man’.

He jumped to his feet, charged and grabbed his wife by the neck before slapping her thrice in the face.

“Jessica, you cannot do such a foolish thing in my presence. I cannot bear such nonsense. It is no longer football. You are in love…”

“Shut up Jailos”, Jessica retorted. “How can you say such rubbish? How dare you? You slap me?”

He punched her in the belly and shoved her against the wall before she violently hit back.

“You have slapped me, Jessica. You have slapped my face. You have slapped the face of a manager. You have slapped the face that looks after so many workers,” Jailos said angrily.

“You have beaten me. You have beaten an angel! An angel! You do not realize how lucky you are to marry me. You bush mouse..!” Jessie screamed before scores of people converged after being attracted by a fracas from the two year old couple.

Suddenly Jailos hurried to the master bedroom. A few minutes later he emerged while wheeling a travel bag into the sitting room.

“I have packed all your clothes in this bag. Leave my house you barren bitch! I would rather be alone than tolerate your soccer antics. Get out!” Jailos shouted after shoving her into the night.
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As starving villagers eat grass,corrupt prof,CEO pockets $700 000

By Irvine Syazyombo
Unbearable congestion on the passenger train is normal. It is as hot as an oven inside the coaches. Because of overcrowding the vast majority of passengers have to stand along the isle.

The train is extremely dirty too. There is shit all the time on the toilet pans so the whole train reeks of a combination human waste, bad breath, shoes and sweat.

Passengers who are on long journeys of over 600 kilometers in that third world country have to endure the congestion and stench for four days because the diesel locomotive engine cannot zoom on the old fragile track.

If there is a derailed goods train ahead, the passenger train will ram into the wagons because of poor communication.

Meanwhile, passengers will have to spend a day or so before the derailed train is moved to have the track repaired.

Having seen problems of this nature,the new government employed a professor from a prestigious western university as CEO so that he corrects the situation.

The country with eighty percent of her citizens desperately poor also borrowed heavily so that when the railway system is changed into an electric one, doing business would be made cheaper, thereby boosting economic growth .

Little did authorities know that Professor Chilize had his own selfish ideas. He seized that opportunity to amass wealth.

Firstly, from a poor country awash with street kids, orphans begging in public places ,street venders earning half a dollar a day from selling little merchandize like sweets, vegetables and roasted cassava, and starving small scale farmers who have to eat grass to see another sunrise, Chilize demanded to be paid $600 000 per annum.

Professor Chilize also demanded that the railway company rent a house for him at $170000 annually. Clif Chilize also demanded ten air tickets per year to wonder with his wife anywhere on the globe.

Surprisingly, the company met all the crazy expenses before the CEO extended his greed to the capital he was supposed to use to change obsolete rail transport to electric trains.

Without caring what impact the loan would have on the tax payer, the learned man orchestrated frequent fraudulent board meetings which gobbled $150, 000 per month.

Two board members would meet at any of their increasing mistresses’ homes to frolic, dine and wine. After that they would inform the CEO who would readily pay hefty sitting allowances without any minutes to justify the expenses.

When the scandal reached the public domain, the CEO accused his board members of corruption. They in turn also smeared graft charges on him.

Disgusted, the government suspended Professor Chilize to give freedom to his board members to uncover his corruption misdeeds like the numerous air tickets the company bought for him to wonder with his wife from south to North Pole.

Authorities also need to find out how much of the borrowed money has been squandered by the irresponsible CEO and his board members.

For now, Passengers will have to cope with the increasingly congested slow train until the track is turned into an electric one. That is ,if Clif Chilize has not squandered all the money his government borrowed specifically for railway infrastructure.

Ritualistic bishop brutally murders taxi driver

By Irvine Syazyombo
Three men who were wearing blue suits and carrying a brief case each strolled into the shopping mall to hire a taxi.

As soon as they approached a taxi rank, twelve young men with car keys in their hands rushed and surrounded the trio with various offers to persuasively have their taxis hired.

The three middle aged men chose a slim young man, Mwenya, to whom they announced their destination.

“Take us to Kalindu Township,” one of them ordered.

The young taxi driver hastily slumped into the driver’s seat .The three passengers hurriedly boarded too before the car sped off.

After they had driven for about ten minutes through the third world city, the man in the front drivers’ seat suddenly drew a gun and pointed it to the head of the driver.

“Take us to the outskirts of the city,” Chandwe who was also a bishop of the Antiock Church Pentecostal Water Ministries, ordered.

Shocked, Mwenya had no option but to take them to their destination.

When they reached the destination, the bishop ordered Mwenya to walk into the bush with the revolver held to the back of his head.

When they were in the bush, Bishop Chandwe ordered his two disciples to tie the young man’s hands and legs ‘so that work for God’ could be carried out.

They also stuffed pieces of cloth into the victim’s mouth so that he could not be heard screaming.

The two muscular men firmly held the poor weak young man by the legs and arms while the bishop stripped the victim before slicing off his scrotum and penis which organs would mysteriously help him grow rich.

Overwhelmed with pain, Mwenya kicked helplessly but it was too late.He fainted before the three ‘holy men’ cut off the head, peeled off the facial skin and plucked the eyes from the sockets which could help the bishop ‘see through worshipers lives as prophesy’.

After the gruesome murder of the innocent man, ‘the man of God’ put the human parts in his briefcase before the murderers left the corpse to rot in the open.

It was after a month when a woman discovered the body in a decomposed state. Fellow taxi drivers only recognized the body because of the familiar clothes the deceased had won on the fateful day.

The next day was Sunday. Bishop Chandwe preached and healed congregants of chronic illnesses and paralysis. Cripples abandoned wheelchairs and crutches. The dumb talked. The deaf heard. The blind saw. To others he prophesied riches and prosperity.

To some ill people he gave ‘holy water’, mortuary waste after washing corpses, which contaminated liquid he had bought from a mortuary attendant.

With the ‘presence of the holy spirit’, numerous congregants became limp and dizzy before falling onto the floor with the support of the bishop’s henchmen.

It soon became a confusion of limp people staggering, reeling, rolling on the floor and screaming while the bishop prayed in incomprehensible tongues.

Having seen the miracles and experienced ‘God’s’ presence, hundreds of congregants filled a ten waste paper basket with cash. They would give more tithes and offerings next Sunday.